Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 9 – The Lies I Knew

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Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode12a – The Men In My Life Beyond Lady Pandora

It really f*cking amazes me that a man can honestly convince himself that he is just so amazing that he can hurt you, become a threat to your children, generally be a complete a**hole and somehow you will magically just want him. This is the case with pretty much every man I've ever been with. The whole lot of them, if you strung their brains all together, I'd still be smarter than them without even bloody trying. It's sad, it really is, because the truth is that a woman like me wants a strong man, yes.. but you have to have a good brain, a good head on your shoulders. You can be a tiger in bed but you better be able to hold a conversation and be willing to learn. I want depth, complexity, intelligence, wisdom.. I want it all and I will not accept less than I deserve for very long. The truth is, if you ain't got it all and I was single, you were a f*cking toy, temporary, plastic. Don't be surprised now, men have done it for generations. Being born with t*ts really changes sh*t in the overview of human complexity, who you are, or what you need. If I have tossed you to the side, stay there because trust me, I'll hurt your feelings if you come back. I'm not a princess, I'm not a crying maiden waiting to be saved. I'm a warrior, I've found someone who can actually stand beside me and take my back. That is so bloody rare in this world. It took over 40 years to find him and trust me when I say, I have his back 100%. Loyalty is everything and the fact is, I give that right up until you yourself show me that you are undeserving of my loyalty. I absolutely believe that he is the one, that rare gem, that will never become undeserving of my loyalty and love. You'll hear all about him later. This episode is also available as a blog post: — Send in a voice message: Support this podcast:
  1. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode12a – The Men In My Life
  2. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 12 – A Personal Letter to You
  3. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 11A – The List
  4. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 11 – Running Away
  5. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 10 A – In My Head

I’m missing key parts of my memory. For example, I know I was raped multiple times but I could not tell you when or how. I know who and I know for a fact it happened. I know that my first husband was a cheater and that I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I could not tell you how I knew or when I found out. A majority of my life is like this. I got so used to people knowing me that I had never seen before that I developed an automatic reaction of pretending I knew them until I did. I did not want to be rude.

While we were married and at a local BDSM event one night, I saw her. My first female love as an adult. She was dancing to industrial metal, she was bewitching. Long dark hair, exotic Irish / Oriental features, curvy but overly so. Her movements were swift, decisive, dominant by nature. I sat watching her, staring at her, she was a Goddess. I had to have her. I am a bi-sexual woman and this means I can be attracted to either a man or a woman. I have my types. My husband noticed me watching her and approved. Most men would. I was not about to just walk up to her, no, this woman deserved more. I went home that night and I began preparing. I wrote her a poem, then wrote it on burned parchment for her. I rolled it, tied it and sealed it in wax. As the day of the next event came, I bought a single rose and painted it black before attaching it to the poem. Then, I waited until I saw her seated alone and I humbly approached and quietly gave her this gift. A little bit later, she came to us and thanked me, she was very touched by my gift.

This led to a threesome, a BDSM threesome with two Doms and one sub. It was hot, but she did admit after that she was not into women. However, she wanted to continue seeing us. She assured me she wanted to see us both and I was under her spell. We got together multiple times. I loved her. I loved her when I caught my husband over at her house unexpectedly. She did not lie to me for him. I loved her when she asked to see us separately some time after that. I loved her when she vanished due to illness and depression. I loved her when she later admitted to me that she was seeing multiple couples, was lying to all of us, had been cheating with my husband unknown to me, and had serious cancer and was dying. I loved her when she left to marry a rich client of hers in hopes of getting better medical care. Honestly, as awful as it sounds, I would have left him for her on the drop of a dime. I loved her. He was a cheating SOB and honestly, so was she. Yet, her I could forgive, did forgive without barely a thought.

She was soft yet strong, she tasted of honey and wine, her eyes stared into my soul and through me and she handled life smoothly, seamlessly. She was fluid in intimacy, in sex. She flowed around and through you without even trying, leaving you crying and begging for more. Hell, I did not even care what the more was so long as she was there. When she left, she took a piece of me with her. She broke my heart. I loved my husband but I also loved her, I loved each just as deeply. My husband had soured our love so much at that time, her betrayal seemed less by far. She left me there, with my cheating, lying, alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, abusive husband who somehow still believed I did not know he was cheating. The man was not so smart. He was, in fact, still in a garage band as the lead singer. The man just couldn’t grow up. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Another time, we were meeting a woman who wanted to play with a couple. She raped me, not consensually, with long nails as she pressed me down into the bed. I was fighting. She pushed my husband off of her. Now, a decent husband of any merit would help his wife but he sat and watched as she scratched the shit out of me from inside with her long nails, as I fought and cried. He said it looked like I was enjoying it. She left. Apparently, I did not make it obvious enough that I was in distress. I hated him for that day. I was never safe with him. I had no friends, he would attack me if I went out, accusing me of cheating. Only his friends were around and they enabled him. They always looked the other way. They always believed him. Who would I run to? My Mother?

We met another woman eventually, a couple actually and did the switching partners thing in the same room. The other man was however so deeply infatuated with his partner that he took no interest in me so that did not work out. My husband took quite an interest in the other woman and suddenly, not long after, she was single and spending time with us. Now, I was not stupid. Yes, I stayed and yes, I’ve done dumb things but I’m not blind or stupid. She was after my husband and it was so obvious, she was a shitty liar. The thing was I did not care anymore. By that point, honestly, I was done with his crap. I just had not physically left yet. Well, they kept pretending it was us three and getting together alone, only in a platonic way of course…bullshit. She brought a gift one day and my husband stood back to let me accept it for us. It was rare he was kind so I reached for it but she yanked it back. She was so upset, it was only for him. She of course made clear, it was only platonic between them though. I rolled my eyes visibly. I knew he was cheating so I pretended I did not but said that if we were going to continue threesomes with her then I wanted a man too for threesomes. He invited his friend, the drummer in his band. I knew he hated it and yet, he did it to cover his ass about the fact he was cheating. I knew, of course and knew he would have to do it. It was my way of regaining some small control in my life. Now, months later, he decides it is safe to say he wants to stop having threesomes all together but, see, he does not know that I know he will keep seeing the girl on the side. Why? He was that egotistical. He thought I needed absolute 100% proof like pictures or something before I could know. He was an idiot. So, I said no, no stopping the threesomes. He got mad but he was always mad anyway. He was staring to realize that his control was slipping. He should not have been surprised I left.

I loved him still when I left. I loved the him I thought I knew. He broke me very badly. It was two days after I threw him out that I found out he was living with his girlfriend, yes, that very woman. Of course, they both said it was never sexual until then. I just shook my head and tried to move on with my life. My husband broke in while we were not home one day and destroyed the house, bookshelves knocked over, it looked like a tornado had hit. He stole the boys only game station. It was a horrible time for me and children but we stuck together and we got through it. I will never forget that day, I got us a new apartment and he came over to pick up the kids for a visit. He brought his new girlfriend. They came in as I got the kids ready and asked to talk to me. I could feel something was up, my hackles raised. We sat at my small kitchen table and the girlfriend told me that they wanted custody of my children since they were a couple and I was a single Mother. I laughed right in her face. It was like some horrible joke. I told her that just because she was fucking my husband did not mean that she could have my children. They threatened court and I asked her if he had told her about his gambling, drugs, alcohol. I asked if he told her about he abused me. She was in shock and they left to argue. She knew very well they would never get custody. No court would have given him custody.

One day, he came alone to get the kids. He cornered me in the bathroom, lifted me to the sink and began going down on me. I was in shock. It happened so fast. I pushed him off of me, got the door open and told him no. I said go get your girlfriend. He asked why we could not be lovers. I told him I did not want him. I told him that I was no longer a submissive. I had switched sides. He did not know how to handle me anymore. The scared little girl was gone and a fierce woman was what he faced. He would not use me or touch me or hurt me. He showed up at the door to show me cash in his hands before the divorce. He knew we were struggling. He waved it at me telling me I’d never get it and left. He was the epitome of a bad husband and father. I blamed myself for choosing the wrong man, for choosing poorly. I felt that due to my choice of men, I was solely responsible for my kids not having a father in their lives. I did this by choosing him.

I did not believe in love anymore, not romantic love. I did not hope to be loved. I did not want soft love anymore. What I wanted was to make them pay, all of them. What I wanted was to do right by my children. I wanted to be a good Mother and Father. I had to be. I felt my children deserved far better than their father but I also felt that I had failed them, that they deserved better than me. However, it was me they had and I was determined not to fail them again.

It took a year of separation before I could file for divorce. Of course, it then took quite some time after that before it was finalized and heard in court. By the time it was, I was in another province but we’re not there yet. There is more to tell because between leaving my first husband and moving, there are three stories that are key to how that took place, how it came to be. Life is complicated, it is rarely simple. It’s always full of choices and there are never warning signs flashing over the heads around you. Sometimes, you can tell but not always. Sometimes, we fool ourselves and they do not have to. It does not take intelligence to fool another, it’s not some great victory. All it takes is a disregard for others, you have to be selfish and cruel. That’s all it takes. Honestly, I have watched people feel so superior for doing this sort of thing and I wonder if they know, if they realize how stupid they look for celebrating the loss of someone who actually cared about them. Such a rare thing to be squandered so foolishly. They act as if it’s such an accomplishment, it’s a game and they win but really, they lost. They just can’t see it.