Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 11A – The List

Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode12a – The Men In My Life Beyond Lady Pandora

It really f*cking amazes me that a man can honestly convince himself that he is just so amazing that he can hurt you, become a threat to your children, generally be a complete a**hole and somehow you will magically just want him. This is the case with pretty much every man I've ever been with. The whole lot of them, if you strung their brains all together, I'd still be smarter than them without even bloody trying. It's sad, it really is, because the truth is that a woman like me wants a strong man, yes.. but you have to have a good brain, a good head on your shoulders. You can be a tiger in bed but you better be able to hold a conversation and be willing to learn. I want depth, complexity, intelligence, wisdom.. I want it all and I will not accept less than I deserve for very long. The truth is, if you ain't got it all and I was single, you were a f*cking toy, temporary, plastic. Don't be surprised now, men have done it for generations. Being born with t*ts really changes sh*t in the overview of human complexity, who you are, or what you need. If I have tossed you to the side, stay there because trust me, I'll hurt your feelings if you come back. I'm not a princess, I'm not a crying maiden waiting to be saved. I'm a warrior, I've found someone who can actually stand beside me and take my back. That is so bloody rare in this world. It took over 40 years to find him and trust me when I say, I have his back 100%. Loyalty is everything and the fact is, I give that right up until you yourself show me that you are undeserving of my loyalty. I absolutely believe that he is the one, that rare gem, that will never become undeserving of my loyalty and love. You'll hear all about him later. This episode is also available as a blog post: — Send in a voice message: Support this podcast:
  1. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode12a – The Men In My Life
  2. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 12 – A Personal Letter to You
  3. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 11A – The List
  4. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 11 – Running Away
  5. Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode 10 A – In My Head

I thought I’d include this is a bonus in my podcast. It is a personal list I’ve made to share with my therapist. It outlines the people within me as they are, at least what I know of them. It shares thoughts and questions I have as well as issues I’d like to find time to address. This way, no matter who is out at the time, we can still bring up all of these things which were made while talking with all of us. This means it also addresses issues they see and want touched on. I often forget things I want to address so we all thought a list might help.

It also introduces her to personalities she has yet to meet so that she has some idea of who they are. My others do not come out on demand so I cannot say when she may or may not meet them. We are hoping, of course, to work through these issues.

Things we want to address with my therapist:

If I write it down, then no matter who is out.. we can address things everyone wants addressed and not forget.

1: I’m not sure who the original of us is. I think it may be the child as she is the one we all protect. I do not think it is me, Dream. It does not feel like I’m meant to be the one in charge. The rest of us just take turns taking the hits. Also, no one else remembers being a small child and she refuses to grow up. What if that is why the rest of us suffer? What if she escaped the only way she could? What if she sort of committed suicide, gave up, by not being the one in control anymore? Is this possible?

2: We don’t just pop out, there is always a reason. I may not know why at the time but everyone comes out for a reason. I also spent many years trying to figure out how to look and act as normal as possible. They are family to me, to each other. We’ve been together a long time now. We suffered a lot from people seeing us act differently. All of us try to look like one person even though we can’t really fully pull it off due to memories and skills. We can share some information, we communicate, disagree and argue. Also, we were afraid to have more of us or be discovered after we got exorcised. All of them consider our sons to be theirs, work together to take care of them. We seem to take turns being the main person out depending on what is going on in our life. List of all those I know of for sure:

Dream: Currently usually out. Bisexual. Did most of college but not all. Hates religion. Knows most of everyone’s stuff. Does not like letting go at all. Has serious trouble with confrontation. Very fearful. submissive. Loves gold and red. Rules are everything. Loves nature. Prefers sweats or leggings. Writes poetry. Can’t cook, can bake. Trouble communicating / talking. Does not do well in social situations. Reclusive. Fears success. Came around after taken by mother. Memory problems. Obsessed with true crime and serial killers. Worrier. Always watching Ivy. Loves pop music, K-pop. Married third husband.

Ivy : Swears like a trucker, confrontational, uninhibited, street smart, generally unafraid. Gets in trouble. Prefers older men. Prefers to have blonde hair. Breaks rules. Loves to party. Prefers animals to humans. Likes cut up jeans, short skirts. Hates cooking or cleaning. Impatient. High pain tolerance. Judgmental and opinionated. Hates authority. Hates people in general. Came around during pre-teen/teen years. Did the cutting / self harm and suicide attempts. Took over for years I cannot remember. Serious daddy fetish. Has caused issues. Hates mother. Hates feelings/ mushy stuff, highly sexual. 80’s music. Independent and wild. Needs sex constantly. Fitness nut. Took most of the rapes.

Pandora: Smart, dominant, has issues with men in general. Prefers women. Did part of college. Enjoys an intellectual challenge. Takes charge. Loves blood red burgundy and brass. Pagan. Loves animals, prefers big dogs. Very focused on looks. Hates pink. Loves leather. Can cook. Long, dark hair with light stripe of gray/silver. Dark red lipstick. Does the professional stuff well. Driven to succeed. Been around the longest, started as a dream I had every night at about 6 years old. Into BDSM. Tries to keep life going smoothly. Artistic, loves photography. Loves psychology. Picks up the pieces. Loves metal music, female singers. Handled marriages, except the third.

The child: young girl, hates our birth name, playful, mischievous, loves pink, loves girly stuff and stuffed animals. does not talk about bad stuff, runs if afraid or sad, runs from confrontation. Only comes out if she feels safe and if it looks like she will have fun. Hates rules. Likes singing. Loves animals. Scared of drawing flowers (involved in exorcism) . hides things. Loves pigtails (piggies). Will not answer any personal questions. Claustrophobic. Sings religious songs. Artistic. Clingy and friendly. Wants to talk to you but scared. Loves chocolate and strawberries. Thinks your office looks too serious and not comfy, plus no toys. Wants you to help her play more often.

The beast: Scared me most of my life, was afraid of her because she had no fear and was very angry and always lurked in the shadows. We tried not to ever let her out unless we were in real trouble. Never had a name. She actually is not as bad as we feared, she is actually just deadly calm in the face of danger and only comes out in the worst situations. Pagan, witch. Lesbian. Hates men. Likes mind games. Calls herself a wolf or sheepdog. Couldn’t care how she looks. Can be intimidating. Scares people away on purpose. Takes over in divorces. Sharp tongue. Noticed her in my teen years but I’m pretty sure she was around long before that. Handles the worst stuff. Never shares what happened.

Unknown: Sometimes, I go into autopilot and I can see/hear/etc.. but it’s like I’m just moving on my own.. not in control, just watching. My nose and forehead feels numb. My body just keeps going, it’s hard to think or concentrate. I have no idea how I function during this. It’s very confusing.

3: I’m afraid to drive since my last accident. It’s a big deal for me. Driving was a new freedom but also a concern, it was always a bit scary because I could “wake up” and have to look for landmarks to know where I was while driving. It would take a bit to figure out where I was going. Now, I just cannot do it, I panic.

4: I cannot deal with/process deaths or family issues at all. I broke down mentally after my father’s death, same with my grandma and grandpa. Cannot discuss my brother. I cry and break down if I think or talk about it. I react adversely, like I’ll start yelling and get aggressive but not violent, to any mention of them being bad to me even though they were. I just cannot handle it at all. I cannot handle rejection of any kind, end of friendships or relationships. Abandonment. Rejection at work, etc.

5: I cannot talk religion without becoming very aggravated, specifically Christianity. I get very upset. It triggers me very badly. When triggered, I may suddenly get a glimpse of a memory, suddenly remember something bad but I forget it completely again later unless I write it down.

6: Terrified of the dark, dolls, closets and bathrooms with closed doors since childhood. Cannot be around dolls. Terrified of insects and knives.

7: I go mute completely in abandonment situations, cannot talk at all for hours or days. Someone else has to take over.

8: Working is traumatic for me because I keep switching who is in control, I get triggered by people and things, I cannot get a sense of success and feel like I’m constantly failing. I just want to run. People notice I’m weird and different that I work with. It is very uncomfortable. My stomach gets upset and painful, I get hot and nauseous, dizzy. I literally get so stressed out that I get physically sick to the point I cannot stand. It has always been like this. I have difficulty keeping jobs. Sometimes, I cannot even go anywhere without panicking, I literally cannot go out of my home. I’m always terrified of work because it always is negative for me. School was like this too.

9: I would like to be tested for autism/learning difficulties. I’d like to know if how I view/learn things is affected by my brain or just my mental health issues. I want to know why I struggle so much. I know that my mother drank and did drugs. I have been told I was swung into walls and dropped plus starved. I was born very small. I just want to know what I’m up against here.