Beyond Lady Pandora – Episode12a – The Men In My Life – Beyond Lady Pandora
It really fucking amazes me that a man can honestly convince himself that he is just so amazing that he can hurt you, become a threat to your children, generally be a complete asshole and somehow you will magically just want him. This is the case with pretty much every man I’ve ever been with. The whole lot of them, if you strung their brains all together, I’d still be smarter than them without even bloody trying. It’s sad, it really is, because the truth is that a woman like me wants a strong man, yes.. but you have to have a good brain, a good head on your shoulders. You can be a tiger in bed but you better be able to hold a conversation and be willing to learn. I want depth, complexity, intelligence, wisdom.. I want it all and I will not accept less than I deserve for very long. The truth is, if you ain’t got it all and I was single, you were a fucking toy, temporary, plastic. Don’t be surprised now, men have done it for generations. Being born with tits really changes shit in the overview of human complexity, who you are, or what you need. If I have tossed you to the side, stay there because trust me, I’ll hurt your feelings if you come back. I’m not a princess, I’m not a crying maiden waiting to be saved. I’m a warrior, I’ve found someone who can actually stand beside me and take my back. That is so bloody rare in this world. It took over 40 years to find him and trust me when I say, I have his back 100%. Loyalty is everything and the fact is, I give that right up until you yourself shows me that you are undeserving of my loyalty. I absolutely believe that he is the one, that rare gem, that will never become undeserving of my loyalty and love. You’ll hear all about him later. That’s my bae.
My boyfriend after my first husband, yeh that doofus I was on Kink Season 4 with. Would you believe that he got in touch with my Dom back then? Well, let me tell you, you will not believe this shit. So, I was a Dominatrix and I had my slaves… my puppies but you see, having multiple people within me means that I’m not always me, now doesn’t it? And well, they have needs that must be met. One is a sub, well, really two. So, I had a Dom that I visited, a man I’d sort of seen around since I was 18 and first went to the local parties. He was a dungeon Master there and he was hot. Not my usual big and muscular sort but he just had this aura, this je ne sez quoi about him that just drew my attention. His eyes, god how they melted us. So, anyway, he was trustworthy and so, we would visit him. He was experienced and fun and we all knew without a shadow of doubt that he would never be clingy or one to try anything shitty. Right? I mean he was a dungeon Master and a Dom himself. He had many years under his belt after all. So, here we go, playing and having us some fun. Well, everything was hot and sexy and fun right up until a friend of mine came to town. I told him we’d be busy. Well, motherfucker has the audacity to get all “You did not let me meet her.” Well, that shit wasn’t flying with me and it was me who answered the phone so, you know the, boy had to be put back in his place. I told him he had no claim, no rights and I was done. Period. Shut him down like closing a toy box. Well, I had dumped the boyfriend, obviously, he was a major issue and wouldn’t you know dick head goes and hunts down my Dom that I just dumped. So, the two exes of sorts get together and decide among themselves that the Dom will train him to own me. I get a phone call from these morons, the ex-Dom telling me how he’s training my owner and it’s been decided. I'[m sitting there laughing because this shit is funny, honestly. I tell him to go right ahead but ain’t none of them going to be owning me. I’m done. Of course, idiot ex-boyfriend is stalking me, peeking in my windows, causing havock like he’s something new or special and I’m sitting there watching like.. wow, they grew him dumb. Boy had a big dick, great in bed and really, that is it. No other redeeming qualities at all. Please. It’s nice and all but that just ain’t marriage quality and ain’t no-one owning my ass that can’t even rise to my level. Jesus. I’ve been through enough shit, seriously. Like I’m going to lock myself down to that. Funny fact. The man had profiles on adult sites as a couple with my photo long after we broke up. I found out and contacted the site admins to have it removed. Like, dude, really?
Now, Dream was scared as shit as usual by all of this but that’s ok, we had this. Girl is seriously neurotic. So, off we go to another city in another province with a decent man or what we thought was a decent man. Well, sort of. Turned out different than any of us expected, that is for sure. What did I expect? I expected that our budding romance / friendship would turn to passionate love, that he would be happy since he said he was, he actually got the damn girl. I mean, his fantasy literally came true in real life, he had it all, everything he had wanted. He should have been over the moon. Instead, he is an insecure mess because it ends up he was in a relationship prior to me where the girl abused him. Men get abused just like girls, people. That shit is real. So, ok, he was a little messed up but still, I mean he had his dream so it should be great with maybe a few bumps but nooooo. Things could not just be fucking ok. Why? Because this is my life, that is why. So, of course, he ends up losing his job right away due to attendance issues. Guy missed days regularly due to being sick but truth was, he wasn’t. Sure, he had a few medical issues and given his weight, which was not at all small by any measure.. he wasn’t doing anything to ease them. However, he was not in bed sick at all. I discovered he suffered from depression. Well, shit. Ok, I still got this, right? I mean, marriage is sickness and health so, fine. I tried to be kind and supportive even when I just wanted to wring his bloody neck because I can handle a lot. This relationship working was important not just to us but for my children as well. So, shit, I dug my heels in and I really tried.
There are very few things on my crossed the damn line list and I never keep them secret. I put that shit out there right away. One of those things is disrespect. I cannot and will not tolerate disrespect. You disrespect me and I’m going to get right up in your face and dare you to do it again. I’m going to tell you very quickly that if you cross that line, there is no going back. If you step over it anyway, then you are stepping on me and right there and then, I’m done with you. This ain’t baseball, there is no three strikes. Once I’m done, I’m done. These are the facts because when those lines are crossed, I come out and I don’t play around. Well, dude had this best friend for like forever. I mean most of his friends had been friends for many years. Well, let’s just say that I was not warmly welcomed by a majority of these friends. Now, I wanted very much, we wanted very much to make a good impression and the others were really very nervous and messing up all over but I mean, shit, it wasn’t like they did anything major. They were just being socially awkward which is our normal. So, anyway, one particular prick in the group decides he doesn’t like me or what we said. Hell, I don’t even remember what it was but oh, lord… this little shit may well have been an incel or something cause he was right up in my face and being mean as hell. I mean this guy berated me every chance he got right there, in front of everyone and it did not matter how much I tried to be nice and pleasant. Trust me, it was not at all easy not to go ape on his ass but I was trying to make this relationship work and hell, my man who got his literal fantasy come true would surely say something, right? In our house? Nope. Suddenly, he’s not a damn man at all, his friends come first, they were there first. Asshole starts defending his friend and I’m supposed to just put up with it.
Now, it’s not like I did give him multiple chances. This went on for some time and I will tell you, it pissed me off. It hurt and hurting just pisses me off. So, at that point, I was pretty much done but I was in a new city, a new province where I really knew no one. I had two kids, one who needed medical help so I couldn’t just walk the fuck out like I really should have. Kids are priority one. So, I told him no more gaming at our house, no more games that included him at our home unless he was not invited. Period. No discussion. So, with them playing elsewhere, asswipe gone from my life, I figured that things could still end up working out in the end. Call me a fucking optimist. Well, it ends up that my new husband just happens to be an extremely insecure man, so insecure that he can’t feel good about himself unless he is putting someone else down. Lucky me, I’m right there to be that target. The man is smart, brilliant. I’m not going to lie. However, I happen to be smart as fuck too. Well, he was certain that compared to him, I was a fucking idiot. He let it show. I was just pretty. Oh god, that set me off. Give me a fucking break. Really? When was anyone going to see past the makeup and the tits? It was ridiculous really by this point. He made all the decisions, he controlled the money, I had to practically beg to buy clothing for my sons as they grew. He was pissing me off from day one and it was not getting any better, only worse. Then, he just stop trying sexually and by now, I’m looking at him like excuse me Mr. fuckhole but I bit my tongue. So, I got a good doctor for my son and he got another good job and my son was struggling. We went through some really rough times.
My youngest boy was going through diagnosis and anyone out there with a special needs child knows it takes time, this process is not at all fast regardless of how much you need it to be. Having a special needs child means that your life is outside the box, normal doesn’t exist. The world, our society is made for normal. So, you’ll understand that this is a very difficult time because you have no idea what to do to move forward, you are caught in purgatory just doing your best. Well, the one thing I will say for my second husband is that he took my back through this time and for that, I am eternally grateful. He was in grade one and honestly, he was miserable. He couldn’t do normal at all and it made him stand out and the kids were not nice. You know how kids can be. Well, parents are a shit ton worse. One day, I walked in to get him and another mother actually pulled her son away from mine, I stared that bitch down. I wanted to lash out, to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing but I held my peace. I held my ground for my child because it had to be about him, not me. Well, his teacher was amazing but the rest of the staff were as bad as the bloody parents. They pissed me off very quickly. If he got picked on and bullied and hit and he fought back, guess who was in trouble? Him, of course. The lunch lady thought it was appropriate to make an example of him for not eating his lunch so she pu him in a place everyone could see him and single him out. I wanted to find her and beat her ass until she apologized to him. However, society tends to frown upon that sort of behavior. Ahem. So….instead I went to the vice principle who was literally in charge of these things. I mean, makes sense right? Well, the vice principal was this shifty little weasel of a man in a suit and seriously, I could have kicked his ass easily. So, weasel defends the staff, which is no surprise to me but now I was really pissed. I couldn’t kick his ass but I damn sure was not going to let this go. So, I demanded services for me, allowances. Well, he finally agreed to get him tested in school for services to shut me up. What he did not know was that my son’s official diagnosis was almost complete and was being done by THE hospital in the region for these matters. Well, big surprise, the tests the school did come back that he does not qualify though he obviously needs help. Little weasel shit is standing there smiling so I smiled and asked him to put it in writing with his signature. I demanded it in writing. So, asshole goes and types it up, is ready to sign it and the fax comes through right then from the hospital with my sons diagnosis. He reads it, looks at the note in his hand, looks at me with my hand out looking like the cat that ate the mouse and refuses to give me that letter, ripping it up. Suddenly, he has to go, right now. Little shit literally runs away from me. So, I took my son home and every single day, I went to the office and demanded that they honor his diagnosis and meet his needs, it’s the damn law there. They literally have to at this point. So, asshole just refuses and that was when I really got mad.
You see, that is exactly why Dream fears me coming out. I’m her opposite. I don’t play games. I don’t lay down and die. I stand up and get mad and I get even. Well, my son was not just going to suffer and be treated like this. I was not going to let this continue. So, I decided to use that big brain of mine. I went to the principle who backed his VP, so I knew it was election time and the local man running for office in my party of choice was up for re-election. So, perfect timing. I sent him all of my proof of what was going on including a letter my son had wrote, barely legible… please pick me. He called me right away and he promised me that my son would not be lost in the crowd. He went straight to the school board and demanded a full investigation. The VP was removed from his position and my son was transferred to another school. That man was an angel. He made sure a message got to the new principle at the new school, who knew the other school’s principle, that if my son had any backlash over this.. it would mean his job. Finally, with a diagnosis, a new school, a new amazing teacher and special education class plus actual tools and assistance for him… he began to flourish. We had our bumps. Of course we did but he slowly moved forward and once he was doing so much better, I could finally return my attention to our living situation. I was at my husband’s mercy pretty much so I got a job and progressed to management quickly. I was making good money, my sons were both doing well and I was now standing on even ground with him. He could not hang shit over my head now and though I still wanted to make it work, it was becoming clearer and clearer that it just would not ever work. He just could not be an equal, he could not see what he had and the man had more passion for his best friend than he had for me. So, I tried for a bit more and then, I gave up. I honestly figured he was gay and in the closet. We were both into gaming pretty heavily but I actually looked him in the face once and asked him to talk to me about our relationship or it was over. He said, in a minute. I said now or it’s over. He kept playing. I was done. He had hurt me enough, he did not have my back most of the time and although I did not want it to affect my children.. his constant put downs of me in front of my kids made me retreat so they would not hear or see it and he made sure if I came out, his big mouth opened. So, now, I was really really done.
I stayed there but I was not his wife anymore. I was making plans and looking at my path the hell out of there. I think he did not believe at first. When a guy dropped me off at the house after a girls night out, he caught the drift. Sad that it literally took seeing it with his own eyes to understand that he had really fucked up. Well, I decided that I was not taking any man in unless they were at my feet. I was not marrying no one. Yeh, that shit lasted. Not. Why? Because we are constantly fucking looking for love and knowing it may be half the fucking battle but that doesn’t mean shit in the moment. So, I had taken up 3D mesh modelling, textures and animation for video games as a hobby, I taught myself how to do it all. In making these items and selling them for game money which could later be converted to real money, this guy started coming around. He would compliment my creations and then suggest possible enhancements for them. Honestly, they were good ideas much of the time but it meant redoing everything so we developed a sort of hate/like relationship. Him showing up meant more work for me. 10 years in my first marriage. 6 years in my second. Well, this guy that annoyed the shit out of me, we began talking and we had some very good conversations. I actually started looking forward to talking to him. I was not fucking happy about it. The last thing I needed now was another fucking man in my life but he kept coming around and we kept talking and we became friends and slowly more. I fell hard, like an idiot.